Happiness in relationships

Continuing on the theme of happiness and the intricacy of how, where and when we can get it, I must share my feelings here...

For last few days, in fact for last 1 year I have a strange aloofness from relationships in a way which is somewhere closer to the self detachment as prophesised by the Mahatma himself... Well you may think it a bit going over the board but again I am being totally honest here...

Talking about my previous self, I was really concerned about what people might think about the way I interacted with them, the way I worked and in fact the way I functioned.. I used to really get concerned about whether I have offended anyone or or put off anybody with anything... Not any more... (Though here I must emphasise the fact that I am very concerned and particular about not hurting people intentionally)...

Over a period of time I have come to realise that no matter what you do and how much more you strive, you will not be able to please everybody all the time... There will be some voices of dissatisfaction, disgruntlement and anger from some corner..

What I have come to realise is the fact that whatever little time we have been given by providence to spend in our earthly life, we should be happy and make others happy and overall create a happy ambiance to one's self...

I firmly believe that everybody has a right to happiness and of spending his/her life in peace, tranquility and contentment... Hence i refuse to be part of a relationship which continuously seeks to hurt me and never at any point of time gives back anything in return... Simply put, I refuse to be in a selfish relationship which only demands a never ending list of things to be done at my end but in return is very quiet about the deliverable that they have to deliver from their end...

I strongly believe human relationship to be a much more mutual one and more of a give and take affair... In a relationship, each person/party has to cover the same distance (if not more) and has to do what is expected of each before true happiness can be had from the given relationship...

I always tell this to people I love: People who care for you will never hurt you and those who hurt you will never care for you...

Before anybody among you run away with the notion that all is not well in heaven for me... Lemme correct you here in saying that indeed everything is well in heaven for me... This is just my sharing of experience from my life about how I see things... ;)

What is happiness?

Another peep in to the deep recesses of human complexities and what they mean by the term happiness from Paulo Coelho. It indeed struck me as how we all pretend to be happy while in reality very few of us are 'really' happy. In the daily mad rush of life when sustenance and maintaining a certain standard of living becomes the foremost goal, when the destination becomes more important than the journey, when matter takes precedence over man in one's priority in life... in such an existence human being is reduced to a machine performing mechanical functions of what is being programmed in to it...

Here is the excerpt of the writing from the great man...

This is a question that has not bothered me for a long time, precisely because I don’t know how to answer it. I am not the only one. Through all these years I have lived with all sorts of people: rich and poor, powerful and mediocre. In the eyes of all who have crossed my path – and here I include warriors and wise men, people who should have nothing to complain about - I have always found that there was something missing. Some people seem to be happy: they just do not think about it. Others make plans: “I’m going to have a husband, a home, two children, and a house in the country”. While this keeps them occupied, they are like bulls looking for the bullfighter: they don’t think, they just keep moving forward. They manage to get their car - sometimes even a Ferrari – and they think that the meaning of life lies there, so they never ask the question. Yet, despite all that, their eyes betray a sadness that they themselves are quite unaware of.

I don’t know if everyone is unhappy. I do know that people are always busy: working overtime, looking after the kids, the husband, the career, the university degree, what to do tomorrow, what they need to buy, whatever it is they need to have in order not to feel inferior, and so on. Few people have ever told me: “I’m unhappy”. Most say: “I’m fine, I’ve managed to get all I ever wanted”. So then I ask: “What makes you happy?” They answer: “I have everything that a person can dream of – a family, a home, work, good health”. I ask again: “Have you ever stopped to wonder if that is all there is to life?” They answer: “Yes, that’s all there is”. I insist: “So the meaning of life is work, the family, children who grow up and leave you, a wife or husband who will become more like a friend than a true love-mate. And one day the work will come to an end. What will you do when that happens?” They answer: there is no answer. They change the subject. But there is always something hidden there: the owner of a firm who has still to close the deal he has always dreamed of, the housewife who would like to have more Independence or more money, the new graduate who wonders whether he has chosen his career or has had it chosen for him, the dentist who wanted to be a singer, the singer who wanted to be a politician, the politician who wanted to be a writer, and the writer who wanted to be a peasant...

In this street where I am sit writing this column and looking at the people passing by, I bet that everyone is feeling the same thing. That elegant woman who has just walked by spends her days trying to stop time, controlling the bathroom scales, because she thinks love depends on that. On the other side of the street I see a couple with two children. They live moments of intense happiness when they go out with their kids, but at the same time their subconscious is busy thinking about the job they might not get, the tragedies that might occur, how to get over them, how to protect themselves from the world.

I leaf through magazines filled with famous people: everybody laughing, everybody very happy. But since this is a segment of society that I am quite familiar with, I know it is not like that: everyone is laughing or enjoying themselves at the moment that photo is taken, but at night, or in the morning, the story is always quite different. “What can I do to keep on appearing in the magazine?”, “how can I disguise not having enough money to afford all this luxury?” or “how can I manage this life of splendor to make it even more luxurious, more expressive than other people’s?”, “the actress whom I am seen with in this photo, laughing and having a great time, she could steal my part tomorrow!”, or “I wonder if my clothes are nicer than hers. Why do we smile so much if we loathe one another?”

To end, I recall the words of Jorge Luis Borges: “I will not be happy any more, but that doesn’t matter, / there are many other things in this world”.

The good Samaratian

Driving in the roads of Hyderabad can be nightmarish sometime as the traffic is so unpredictable and more so with the auto rickshaw which seems to jump out of no where and block your way... there are 2 options in such situation.. either screech to a halt by applying break suddenly (if you are attentive enough) or the other one is a much painful one where you just smash in to them causing damage to both the vehicles apart from injuries....

Yesterday, when I was coming back from my sister's house, one such 3 wheeled monster jumped right in front of me from the side and tried to overtake me.. I cursed under my breath as I screeched to a halt.. I cursed all auto rickshaws of Hyderabad under my breath and drove away..

Suddenly I remembered Shiva then...

It was the summer of 2004 when I set out for Mumbai with loads of dreams in my eye for appearing in the selection test of the Premier Tata Institute of Social Sciences (TISS)... I along with one of my senior took the Konark express from Bhubaneswar to Mumbai... To our pleasant surprise we also found out that one of my college teacher (who used to teach us Zoology) was also on the train along with his daughter and incidentally they were also going to TISS for the same selection test.. It was a pleasant coincidence and we set out from Bhubanesawr with the anticipation of a pleasant journey to Mumbai... In the coach also we met a young Marathi doctor by the name Gajanan from Solapur who was working in Orissa in some private company... We all had great time together as we chit chatted throughout the way and our teacher would reminisces on the old days and how student of today are spoiled and lack the dedication of our generation...

The next day we reached Secunderabad at about mid day and the train reached the station on platform no. 7. As Ganjanan was a frequent traveler he told us that the train would stay for about half an hour and we could stretch our limbs and also could go to platform no. 1.. As my senior wanted to purchase some medicine, we decided to go to platform no. 1... In platform no. 1 when we looked across we could not see our train as there were many trains which were there in the intermediary platforms.. Hence we relied on the public address system and went about the purchase of my senior's medicine.. one work after another cropped up for all of us and before we knew nearly 20 mins. had passed and we all scrambled back to platform no. 7....

But the platform was empty and our train had left...

perplexed and confused we looked at each other in utter disbelief and bewilderment... We came early but yet the train had left.. How this can possibly happen.. We asked railway workers nearby and they explained that sometimes if a train is running late, it leaves the platform earlier than scheduled.. true enough... the train was running late already.. but then they must have announced it in the P.A system.. How could we not hear it?.... Now what will we do? all of us were in our shorts and sleep-in trousers.. all our belonging was in the train including our certificates, clothes et al...

We rushed to the station master to enquire if there is any way the train can be alerted about these developments so that at least in the next station they debunk our luggage which we then can collect.. the station master though sympathetic to our plight expressed his inability to do so as it was not permissible officially... In desperation we rushed outside and were thinking what to do...

Thats when we heard a very soothing voice...

"Kya hua saab... train chhut gayee kya?"

We noticed a auto driver in his early twenties asking us with concerned face...

We nodded in agreement... He found out the train's name and told us if we rush to the next station (I think it was Begumpet) then we may catch it... However, in the entire conversation he never suggested that we may take his auto for this dash...

Seeing his helpful nature, we decided to hire him and hopped in to his auto.. He drove like a mad bull, bypassing motorist and much to our embarrassment, traffic signals... We reached Begumepet station but found out that the train had left the station just a few moments ago...

Refusing to give up Shiva ( for that was his name) asked us to sit in the auto and thought of chasing the train to the next station from which we dissuaded him.. Gajanan then told us if we can go by road fast enough to a place called Wadi Junction(about 4 hours drive from there) then we may be able to catch the train which stays for some 30 mins in that station (as it is a big junction)...

Then again we turned to our hero Shiva and asked him to take us to some taxi which will take us.. He obediently obliged and took us to them... However, we had little luck here also as most taxi driver said that with the traffic of Hyderabad city, it would take nearly 1 to 2 hours to hit the highway and from there it would take another 4 hours by which time the train already would have left Wadi..

Then Gajanan had an idea... He decided to call his brother and asked him to come to the station at Solapur, inform my teacher about how we have missed the train, break the chains (binding our luggages together), and unload his luggage and hand over our luggage to my teacher.. Further he was instructed to wait for Gajanan in Solapur station....

We asked Shiva and he informed us that the next train to Mumbai was the Charminar express and if we hurry we may get on it... As all of were in so run down condition with even our cash and everything in the train, we had only barely enough to either pay off Shiva (by the way he had a bill of Rs. 350 for the entire period) or buy us tickets in the general compartment of the next train...

As happens in most city, so also in Hyderabad, some owners travel with the auto along with the driver to check on cheating by the driver.. So also was the case with Shiva who had a nosey owner with him... " Haan saab haan, chalo Rs. 350 de do... Hum ko jaana hey.." said solemnly Shiva's owner... We were quite and could not say anything... This asking for money went on for some time...

"Aap rehendo.." Said Shiva to his owner , now stepping in to the conversation. " aap saab jaa kar ticket khareed lo, nahin toh train chhut jaayegi" then as if chiding his owner he said " itni musibat aap logon pe aa gayee hey.. aap log jaldi ticket karke jaao aur exams do.." he said in all sincerity and earnestness and told his owner that he will work extra time that day to give him back that money...

we were all moved by his act of generosity and kindness. We were amazed to see the magnanimity and humaneness which an ordinary auto driver can have when put to extraordinary circumstances..

We bought ticket, took his mobile number and address and promised to pay up on our return...

"Koyee baat nahin hey saab, aap log thik thak pahunch jaao aur jis kaam ke liye jaa rahey ho ho jaye, itna kaafi hey" He said in his own simplistic and unassuming way.. We were all weighed down with the burden of his kindness...

We reached Mumbai in the wee hours of the next day and found my teacher with our luggage.. All of us got a good scolding for being so careless and reckless.. Nevertheless we were happy to find back our possessions and left for TISS..

After the screening test, I returned back home.. Before I started for home from Mumbai I called up and gave Shiva the train name and the coach number...

Right there he was standing on the platform and smiling at me as my train reached Secunderabad...

"Saab kaise hain... Aur kaam sab thik thak ho gaya na" Asked the ever ebullient Shiva..

I told him that we have given the exam and the rest is left to God's design..

"Chinta nakko karo saab... aap ka zaroor ho jaayega.." Said Shiva confidently and I said a silent amen to it..

"Main aapke liye thoda biryani le aata hoon.. said Shiva and started to make way for fetching Biryaani... as he was leaving thus I caught hold of him and hugged him tightly..

"Rehne do dost, itna ehsaan aap kiye ho.. ab aur ehsaan kay bojh humare upar mat daalo..." I said as tears of gratitude rolled from my eyes uanabshedly...

I gave him the money we owed to him but he was not at all prepared to take it.. After much cajoling and convincing he took it rather reluctantly...

"Kabhi bhi aap saab Hyderabd aao toh mujhko zarror phone karna.. aap ko mein ghar leke jaata.." he shouted above all the din and noise as my train was leaving..

I saw the most richest man in the world that day standing in the platform and waving goodbye to me.. That day Shiva taught me that man is capable of doing immense good to his fellow human being... Only what is required is a big, kind lion heart of people like Shiva who though are poor but have never let go of the richness of their soul which shines forth like pure gold...

Few days after I got the result of TISS and my name was there, right on top of the list. Neither my senior nor any other person I knew had made it that year.. It was as if a vindication of what Shiva said

"Chinta nakko karo saab... aap ka zaroor ho jaayega.."

After that I have tried calling him several times but without success and still to this day hope that if somehow I bump in to him I will tell him the later part of the story and tell him how unknowingly he has been instrumental in shaping my life in to what it is today...

There are many Shivas in this world who just selflessly carry out small act of kindness which more often than not goes unacknowledged.. These are the kind gentle souls who though suffer themselves but learn to serve selflessly and try to alleviate the pains of others... A great lesson to all of us on our role in this world and towards humankind....