The Cyborg Countdown

There are some actors (yes and that includes both actors and actresses) who age, and there are those who age gracefully and there are those who become a Cyborg... By definition a cyborg is one who has the best of human and a machine.. How else do you explain the literally 'freeze in time appearance' of many of our actors even though their arrival seemed to have preceded the Big Bang Theory...

So ladies and gentleman, here is presenting you the enviable list (in ascending order) of actors who seemed to have attained the distinction of Cyborg' hood...

10. Dev Anand:

While not wanting to be too harsh on the 'ever green actor' of India (especially after his death); one can not be aghast at what the man showed off at the age of 88. While mainstream journalism limited itself in dealing grace with grace, the comments in the audience was anything but encouraging.. Terming him as a caricature of a shrimp  who still wants to dress up as a teenybopper and romance young girls". While Dev Sahib could have laughed his head off at such comparison (seriously taking it as a big joke while being totally unaware that the joke is on him!), the fact remains is that we are the real butt of the joke having seen umpteenth of his flops during the era of the Doordarshan (Censor, Sau Crore, Charge Sheet et al et al)... Given the respect which we have him for his earlier 'saner' movies, we place him at number 10...

9. Shekhar Suman:

Having successfully dabbled his hand in Comedy (Great Indian Laughter challenge, Comedy Circus, Comedy ka maha Muqabala etc) , Shekhar Suman decided that he wanted to the epicentre of all jokes... Off he went 'six packing' for a debut album called "Kuch Khwaab Aise" in 2009 (I bet you heard about it.. Come on lets give him some hope)  where his deep cleavage on display was threatening to move attention away from Rakhi Sawant... At one point of time, rumour had it that his well developed physique and new dhanssoo personality was threatening son Adhyayan's love life too!... Be that is as it may, the fact remained that he sure caused some flutters with his new cyborg look not so long ago...A talented actor who debuted with none other than Rekha (another celbrity cyborg on our list), he has ultimately earned his tag  being Cyborg no. 9 in our list

8. Sachin:

See, now you got me all wrong... What is it with our obsession with a man of 165 cm in height wielding a willow and bashing leather all around the park.. I am talking about Sachin Pilgaonkar.. The baby faced actor from the movie "Geet Gata Chal" (trust me, he still is a baby faced  boy/man/cyborg)...Having got his first Fimfare Award from the 1st President of India, he sure stands the Chance of becoming the number one cyborg in our list... However, though he has managed to maintain his 'eternal smile' in a  'death-do-us-part' manner, he has not caused enough flutters to climb up the list... Understanding that little awaits him at Bollywood, he made an early detour to television back in the 90s itself with wife Supriya.. Seen now in non descript Marathi movies and Hindi sitcoms; Sachin ensures he stays visible enough for people not to forget him by signing up for reality show which has non other than Anu Malik and Alisha Chinnai as judges... Well, that says it all and we'll stop here... The no. 8 award goes to Sachin...

7. Anil Kapoor:

This Jhakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas actor refuses to fade off.. If Bollywood does not give him the chance then he flies off to Hollywood to have a minuscule of a role in the latest Tom Cruise starer.. Never mind if his entire appearance, in the movie, ahem, to say anything but embarrassing trying to seduce the leading lady by showing her paintings from the Kamasutra  and getting slapped/ hauled over by her... That's sooooooooo like our our verrrrrrrrry nuaghty Biddu  Anil Jhakaaaaaaaaaaaas Kapoor... However, there is something that we have to give it to him.. he is a fighter and would come through, hairy body not withstanding, any stiff competition... last heard was World Wild Life Federation issuing a red alert for preserving otters using his bare chested photo...

6. Jitendra:

Jitendra, gacch (tree in English) ka bandar... that's how I was introduced to the great iconic actor in my child hood... Jitendra in the 80s had become somewhat like the old man's Viagra with his reassuring advertisement of 30 plus capsule for ... u know what...

In an era bereft of Sunny Leone, Rakhi Sawant, the Desi babas and babys, Jitendra was what the world will term as India's kamasutra albeit the modern version.. Dancing gleefully with buxom maiden from South, he was the Indian equivalent of Aphrodite... Even now his boyish look and grin gives son Tushar a run for his money... Always wondered how this wonderful man could have created something as aghast as his daughter and her daily soaps...

5. Dimple Kapadia:

Watching Dimple Kapadia gyrate and do the ooh and aahs in wet silk sarees and preying on the likes of Anil Kapoor, Sunny Deol, Jackie da and other youngsters (the last that was heard was she was planning to do a movie opposite a new hero debuting in Bollywood) one can not but help feel a tinge of sadness for her..Was it because of the sudden separation between her and the Dada of Bollywood which threw her in the arm of unsuspecting males like Anil kapoor in Jaan baaz (the glee on his face was something to be seen in the movie) and other such forgetful fares...Sometimes one wonders what kept pushing her to do young and younger roles when her daughters had started doning the role of heroines themselves.. Seen now a days at page 3 parties and playing fewer and fewer roles in  bollywood movies; she portrays to us the image of a cyborg of high order if not the highest..

4. Rishi Kapoor:

When you mention Dimple, can Rishi Kapoor be far behind ! A fine actor and a seasoned man of the trade; the only failing in his career was that somehow he did not realise how the years have zoomed past by and adipose tissue have generously started ensconcing themselves in and around the abdominal muscles.. Oblivious literally to things around, Chintuji danced away with young lasses almost his daughter's age in exotic locations... In an era which did not have a superstar (AB was away for a long time and had just made a disastrous comeback and the Khans were still a non descript entity) producers lined up at Chintuji's door with film offers.. Chintuji also did not disappoint them.. Donning his sweaters to further ensconce the adiposes (what else did you think he was wearing it for .. cold... nah) Chintuji danced away as if there was no tomorrow... Then suddenly came the rude shock ... it was as if somebody rudely awakens you with a shove from what happened to be a nice afternoon slumber... niece Karishma was ready for the camera and reluctantly Chintuji had to say good bye to what has otherwise been a glorious career.. here is saluting the man who had a never dying spirit.. age and adipose not withstanding...

3. Mithun Da:

To say something amiss to god himself is a task so arduous that it is bound to fail even before it started... Mithun da epitomised my era which was literally getting a kick with the raw and energy filled pelvic thrust of the god of disco.. While the west was busy going ga ga over Elvis, Michael Jackson et al; our own man in golden chain (who else but Bappi da) was busy getting 'inspired' by those tunes.. and what is more important.. the god himself danced to those tunes.. With the song, dance, soliloquy, monologue and dialogue sequence in Disco Dancer (bet you would not get so much combination from songs of any genre world wide)  Mithun da bought the hearts and minds of an entire genration and kept them captivated even for his lesser versions decades laeter with  Hitler, Jallad, Cheetah,Mawali No.1 etc

The greatest mistake that god did was to launch his holy son Mimoh.. Mimoh has done more damage to Mithun's career than he ever has done to himself with years of B grdae movie. Everything said and done, the man is a miracle in himself and choose now a days to give limited darashan by acting as the gurkha in Dance India dance (for his oft repeated grand salute ).  We however congratulate him getting the no. 3 spot in our countdown. a befitting Grand salute to god himself....

2. Rekha:

You ask Rekha her age and the chances are she will roll over her eyes, blink and look at you as if you are an alien from another planet and then give you one of her benevolent dismissive smile. The secret is that she herself does not know what her age is.. What the heck is all about age when Botox is helping break barriers of age, gender and identity... 

The 'agelessness' that follows Rekha (like Sidharth Mallya following Deepika) has to do with her decision not to even age for one day after the Great Split from the Big one of the film industry.. This also marked her role in more 'meaty' role (like Dimple kapadia) in KamaSutra, Khiladiyon ka Khiladi, Aastha etc.

 Rekha is also afflicted with the 'Dev Anand Syndrome' where a hypocritical audience and a dishonest press places you in an Utopian world where you are made to believe that you are beautiful, graceful and charming while reality reflects just the opposite. Though thankfully such time has not come fully for Rekha, but has helped propel herself to almost the top of our countdown at no. 2. Mubarakan...

1. Simi Gerewal:

Lets repeat the question that we had put to Rekha in the above section to Simi Grewal. chances are that she will not even notice that somebody even talked to her. The reason is two fold- the amount of Botox in her face has literally paralysed her facial and eye muscle to caste that look on you (from wherever the hell you are standing while asking that question) and secondly you would be simply invisible to her (the optical industry has almost given up years ago manufacturing power lenses that can match up to the failing vision of Simi).

The reason why Simi takes the cake is coz we have seen her since our childhood; from her movies through "India's Rajiv" to the umpteen talk shows and now her latest "India's most Desirable"; yet somehow she has fascinatingly (or should we say horrifyingly) stayed the same through the last few decades. We have heard air brushes and make up do wonderful thing to human face. In this case we are just left wondering whether the same are from the construction industry...

Seeing her on t.v, one but wonders if it is not a preserved version of a mummy from Egypt... be that as it may, let us all join hands to congratulate Simi Gerewal for such a stupednous success (she has very little to write home otherwise as regards her film career) competing with such deserving cyborgs. May her 'Cyborg' ness enhance day by day as we see the import and sale of Botox in India sky rocket. Amen...