Let there be Land... And Villas.. And Flats...

The saying goes something like this - " alliance and the chances of acquiring a property is already decided in heaven" which must be true coz looking at both the proposition and the chances of landing a good deal in either, is a game of probability which can only be taken up by die hard mathematics scholar/fan working over a weekend during Christmas in one of the U.S Ivy league universities ...(hope you got the drift)

For me, luckily on the alliance front, things worked out pretty OK given that I was lucky enough to "net" a girl who has turned out to be a good companion for me over the years...

However, talking holistically,I am not so lucky on the property front... 

Nevertheless, what I have encountered in my umpteenth attempt of landing a property (mostly in Bhubaneswar coz that is where I see myself spending my post - retired life), is the comic and almost hilarious situation that one finds one's self as the market bears down on you with all its force to capture you as a customer...

So here goes the list in no particular order:

1. The eager beavers:

And this I can say of almost all the property dealers... No sooner have you surfed the net and God forbids click on their property, they hound you down as how Sajid Khan does to his audience after they have committed the cardinal sin of buying a ticket to watch his umpteenth movies... Couple of years ago, when I was just an eager buyer looking for a plot of land in Bhubaneswar (God!! how naive was I? Are there any land left in Bubaneswar which does not belong to  land grabbers, multiple owners, the land mafia or the government??), No sooner did I click on magicbircks that my phone started beeping with messages and I start getting calls. BTW, magicbricks should actually be re named as magictricks coz the myriad of ways they employ of tracking you down is mind boggling and is just short of sending you a flower bouquet with suggestion of property instead of a card. 

Anyways, once I decided that I will have a go at it, I  really started answering proactively to few of my "suitors"... It was like talking to a pimp for business (not that I have any first hand experience, I must confess). Sample this conversation:

Me: I read about your property in net. So what is on offer?

Dealer :  (politely smiling)  Sir, that depends on what you are looking for?

Me: Well you know the usual. Attractive, large and with enough space for freedom

Dealer: Well Sir, we have exactly the thing for you. Our property at XYZ location meets exactly what you are looking for.

Me: Ok. But what is the price we are looking at?

Dealer: (Smiling like Jeevan from an old Bollywood movie)  Sir, all that can be negotiated. You can come for a site visit if you want to. Pick up and drop is our responsibility. Free of charge.

Me: If I don't like the property?

Dealer: No problem Sir. We would do it for you considering good relationship in future too.  heehehehehe. ( I could just imagine the betel stained teeth through which such flowery smile was emanating from)

Once I stuck a deal with one such dealer, well to be precise 3 such dealers, and every body promised to pick me up at a prime location in Bhubaneswar if I just told them the date and time.I gave them the same time wanting them to beat each other to the chase and decided whoever comes first, will go with them. I had given 9 a.m to all the three and lo and behold! one of them actually came and met me with a SUV at 8.45 a.m!

2. The marketing pundit:

These are the group of real estate guys who believe in combining the power of marketing, social media and Internet to sell themselves and their product. Their website is the best designed website of the lot and their marketing executives are the sharpest.   A perusal of their website would take you through a dream trip of the dream accommodation that they are trying to build for you and ONLY YOU! Looking at the computer designed layouts and gated community pictures, you are forced to exclaim like Bahadur Shah Zafar " if there is heaven on earth, then here it is, here it is, here it is..."

Now that they get you all mesmerised with their marketing gizmo, they will swoop down like agile vultures as soon as you give them a call (call you will my friend coz of the amount  of money that these people have spent in getting the kind of talents to develop the content which is sure to arrest your attention)

3. The doomsayers:

These are real estate developers who will paint a bleak picture of the future where your wife looks like Nirupa Roy sewing cloth to make ends meet, you are coughing and withering away old man like Anu kapoor in Shyam Benegal's art movie or horror of horrors you are made to see a Sunny Leone movie directed by Sajid Khan !!! 

But on a serious note, these people will "sell" their property to you by saying that they are running a special offer which would end by the week/moth's end and/or that you are the special customer who has won a lucky draw and entitled for a special discount...

If you are not convinced about the deal and show a lack of interest, then they would come down to the level of asking you to quote your special price which they would try and push with "senior management"!

4.  The "Honey Trappers":

These group of people will have smart executive and office asistant from the fairer sex who would talk to you on a conversation path which will be similar to the following (please keep in mind that the voice will be husky, inviting and really seductive- a la Bips basu ishtyle):

Client: Hello, I am interested in your property ( now... not "her" property but the company's property! Horror of horrors man! What were you thinking!)

Executive: May I know what Sir is looking for coz we have so much to offer (with the hint of a naughty smile)

Client: (now all charged up) Well I had something happening in mind. I hope you understand. something which is not the mundane or ordinary. something which will make you sit up

Executive: I believe you have come to the right place finally (giggles).  We have so and so property at so and so place which exactly meets your fine taste

Client: What are the costs?

Executive: (With a show of feminine artificial anger which the female species are so well capable of )  What Sir? You have reduced us to mere rupees and paisa? We value our customer beyond the money and property and that is why they hold on to us (Last I heard, one of their property which was on a flood prone area and the houses were literally washed away in the rain and people living therein were seen holding on to pillars and posts literally)

Client: Ok Ok. I am sorry. That was not the intention (obviously angry with himself for talking about mere rupees and paisa and spoiling the good relationship and putting the pretty damsel in distress)

Executive: (brightening up)  So Sir, tell me when are you coming to meet me... errr.. us?

Client: (obviously unable to speak due to the surge of various hormones in his blood stream and also due to the fact that not only in his life time but in the life time of his entire extended family, has any girl not related to them, spoken in such a nice... errr... seductive way) heheehehehe

Executive: Tell me no Sir... When are you coming?

Client : (  To himself - If my wife ever spoke to me like this then I will keep on coming...  pun intended) Well lets see... (see in these cases you should appear to be busy and not really care for the chick. That's what makes them go hot on you all over.)  I am kind of busy for the whole of this month.... Hmmmmm. Well lets see, next month.... can be a possibility....

Exectuive: Reallllllllllllllly Sirrrrrrrrr... am so delighted... I... err... we can not wait to meet you. Make it fast Sir.

Client: Of course I will (you have no idea of how fast I want to make it. Why the hell did I say next month. I could go this month, this week... what the hell.. today... Well I guess its the male ego on me that always plays the spoiler :(

Well that brings me to the end of my brief experience with real estate with the hope of getting a propoerty. if you have any such experience do share...

Why I rock in mathematics !

Now do n’t get me all wrong on this… The title is bit of a misnomer… To be precise it is a total doosra in the guise of a straight one… in fact I do not rock in mathematics… Its mathematics which rocks me to my grave… 

To start off, I was not such a sucker for mathematics…In fact a careful perusal of my earlier academic record would prove matter to the contrary… Till the Vth standard I was a champ of maths… I still remember how I had qualified for the junior scholarship entrance examination and had scored a resounding 100% in mathematics…

Now what must be bewildering for you is why on earth a champ and an undertaker of sort for mathematics, be eternally petrified by numbers and their myriad permutations and combinations...

So here goes the chronological sequence of events which converted my deep love of the subject to something of an abomination…

1. The high school experience:

After passing out from the Vth standard I joined a local medium high school in Cuttack my native city... The school was supposed to be the best local medium school and was in fact a school run by the board of secondary education in Orissa… I was high on spirit after my latest conquest in academics in class V and was raring to go…

But there was a hitch here… A big road block awaited me…

We had a class teacher who was also happened to be our maths teacher… He belonged to the class of people who strongly believed… ok corrections… who strongly practiced the ephemeral proverb “spare the rod and spoil the child” with religious sincerity and dedication…

So come class time he will make each of us come to the blackboard and solve problems one by one… and there he will be standing behind with a cane in his hand and one slight mistake/error/omission, phat… the cane would come down with unforgiving force… So, much of our time was spent on anticipating the blow rather than focusing on the problem at hand… While the victim’s sense will be all sharp in anticipating the blow, others in the audience would be gleefully watching them twist, turn and get tormented with a sadistic pleasure which only children are capable of…

So for somebody like me for whom solving maths problem was a joy and a pleasure, it went on to become a burden and means of torture… from class topper in my earlier days I started topping from the bottom of the class…

2.       The tuition experience:

  Alarmed at the rate of deterioration of my mathematics skills as well as seeing me suffer in other subject as a result of the frustration that I was going through, my parent decided that it was time for me to get a private tuition… In those days there was no due diligence done or no  "KYC" kind of groundwork was done by the parents to select the best for their kid… Most of the houses employed poor village student studying in the local university and who needed the money to fend for themselves… So in came our new teacher all of 20 and studying to major in English literature… So while I needed a knight in shining armour to rescue from my internal demons and restore back my old confidence, what I had in hand was a man who was happy discussing “the- relevance -of Victorian -literature -in -contemporary -society – An analysis” kind of discussion... Maths made him heave and yawn with strong dose of excuses…It was really becoming tough after a point of time to decide who hated maths most – me or my teacher…

3.       The “De” fact finding mission:

By the time I was in class VIIth the damage was total and complete. Laden with a monster of a teacher at school and a no – do gooder as tuition teacher at home, the only direction I was going as far as maths was concerned was south…. Coupled with this the fact that we had recently changed house (from a rented facility to our own house which was actually far from school) was not helping either… Here I was totally at the mercy of my father who had taken up the responsibility of dropping me off on his way to office… which practically rarely happened as we would always be late reaching the school and most of the times did not make it…

I was in a similar predicament like how rejected lovers are… Lovers who have been rejected by their beloved and make desperate attempt at reconciliation, still nurture a slight flame of hope in the deepest recess of their heart of a situation in which one day the beloved will return… During such a time however, their mind plays truant and dark ghosts of suspicion raises its ugly head every now and then..

In a similar manner I began doubting the very intention of the questions in maths and started finding defects in the way they were framed (remember I had a linguist teacher who helped me hone these skills)… So all questions which stared with for “example”, “suppose”, “if“ (which constituted a sizeable chunk of English in mathematical problem) created a rebellion in me of infinite proportion… “why can’t they be straight and say that such and such are the numbers and situation and just find what the hell is needed to be found” I asked myself … By inserting such doubting words, they created more doubt in me of their genuineness…

4.       The Gambia experience:

For 3 years we had the opportunity to stay in The Gambia, West Africa as my parents had volunteered their time to work as teachers in one of the mission school of our community. During this time, we studied in the mission school where other volunteers like my parents abound. We had a couple (known as the Ryan couple) who taught us. Among them Mr Ryan taught us Biology… To hear and see him teach biology was something of a spiritual experience… So clear were his thought and with such clarity he conveyed it to us that it left all of us spell bound… The guy took great pain in showing practical example of everything he taught us to the extent of getting a centrifuge and dialysing his own blood to show the various components of blood!

His dedication and sincerity kindled my interest in Biology and since then there has been no looking back…

5.       My sister’s contribution:

My sis and I share a very close relationship being 1 and half years apart age wise. While her “ragging” and using me as a “guinea pig” is subject of another blog /book, her contribution to my failure in maths also begs for a place in history.

After one scuffle, which siblings usually have, she got so pissed off that she actually tore my book and hid it at a place of which she would not breathe a word. So I went book - less for a better part of 6 moths and as I had finished my quota of book buying I was not given any money to buy a new one. So I had to make do with key books and answer guides which are probably not the best way of honing your maths skills.

6.       The college experience:

 
We came back after 3 years, joined in the 9^th Standard and completed my schooling with just about pass marks for maths… I joined college and had maths as an optional subject… However, my mother edged me on with words of caution that if I don’t keep mathematics then I am actually shutting down a whole new avenue namely engineering…

I kept dilly dallying and did not do study the subject for a better part of the first year… When things seem to go out of hand and I did very poorly in the internals that my parent got alarmed and decided to take charge… My mother being a teacher got the name of the best maths teacher and got me in to one his best batches even though it was officially full.

This old gentleman was a retired maths teacher... well to call retired would again be wrong as he, with all due respect, was a decaying old man. Already in to his late eighties this gentleman taught maths in the same manner as cooking lessons will be taught to the women from slums organised by the YMCA… 

His drawing room would have lot of mats spread across the floor and you are supposed to sit in concentric circle looking at the maestro solve sums and problems with gusto and flourish… He would pull exercise book of students randomly and scribble on it like a superstar… The only thing I learnt here was how to sit on the opposite side of the fairer sex to have a ring side view as they squatted and leaned forward (Got the drift… Right) to absorb the mathematics gyan thrown to all and sundry by the maestro… 

With such solid preparation I inched closer to the final exam… it was time for us to complete the registration for the examination and I think here is where I took the boldest decision of my life...

 I replaced maths with Economics as my optional subject…

And I have been happy ever after…

However, having side stepped and finally taken out maths from my life, I sometime wonder if it is really out of my system as I am literally hounded by nightmares about the subject…

Sometimes I have the recurring nightmare that I am working in my job and have received a notification from my old university to come and appear the Std. X maths exam which I have not taken failing which all my other certificates and credentials will be null and void... I take a long leave of absence to come and re-enrol in my old school… I see all new boys excitingly discussing about maths problems and find out that the board exams are just 2 weeks down the line… I re-live the torture and hell through the 2 week as I see myself opening the voluminous maths book and staring at it blankly without a clue of what is needed to be solved and how…

I wake up with a start and sit up sweating…

How to Bullshit and sound intellectual

Was reading a funny blog on how to sound intellectual even if you don't know S#%!... The piece was impeccable in every sense except somehow it failed to capture some of the other tips from the School of BullS#%!ing...

So here goes my list of tips as an addendum to the earlier list...

1. The "As in" Syndrome:

When you know that you don't know (which is mostly the case), start sentences with "As in"... By doing so, you are pre - empting any attempt of the audience to scuttle your attempt to "sound intellectual"...  If really trapped conclude by saying that you were giving an example...

2. Jargonise your talk:

 

Use copious amount of terminologies like "last mile challenge/connectivity" , "syenrgise", "critical mass", "amortize", "collateral", "safety net approach"   etc. For any doubting Thomas, this would put to rest any doubts about your intellectual capabilities.

3. Give practical example:

Give out generous amount of practical examples making the best use of the jargon that you have used above. For example:

"In ensuring credit reaches the poor, I had to deal with the last mile challenge which I solved by synergising my effort with local women's group to gain that critical mass which was necessary to amortize the loans of the poor against a collateral which proved to be the best safety net approach for the end client"...

This is bound to convert the doubting Thomases to believers and then on to your followers who will follow you like the tribe of Noah

4. Show your Gentleman"ners:

For "crude" and "brash" brats just out of B - School there is no perfect gentlemen to show the finesse and grace of the perfect gentleman than you. Show them how to talk and sound amused during a meeting/telecon/eating/S@#&ing, how to "strike up a rapport" and how you are that friend which everyman always dreams of but never could have. Show them how to present a presentation, how many slides, how many lines in a slide, font colour, font type, spacing and the list goes on and on and on... Finally show those brute what constitutes table manners... How to hold the fork, fold the napkin and how to gently "de-seed" watermelon or any other such fruits without looking like a jackass...

5. Be constantly on the BBM or office Chat:

During meetings and presentation, pretend to be busy by being constantly on the BBM and / or office chat and smile occasionally which is surely going to throw off - balance the poor guy who is presenting while all the time making him dread what would be the bouncers that you would be throwing at him at the end of the presentation. Look totally distracted and give him a sense of false security and just when he is slowly getting in to his lullaby mode throw him the ultimate bouncer by converting statement under point 3 in to a question... While the guy twists and turns for an answer (remember it is un - winnable like the Kobayashi Maru Test in Star Trek which was developed by Spock designed to accept defeat and experience fear) , you just relax back and enjoy the attention the audience is giving you on what a hot shot you really are. 

5.The Ultimate Weapon:

If nothing else works, get the poor sucker to throw in a brave question questioning your credibility and in other words your "God"liness... Look at him with a "half - pathetic - half - amused" look and slowly ask the following:

 " Was that meant to be a rhetorical question?"

Believe me it is better than the Brahmastra  used by the gods in Ramayana and Mahabharata... This is the ultimate rejoinder as the response is going to be a long lull of silence - either the poor chap did not have a clue in the world on what it means and even if he has he does not have the courage to get in to the deep ocean of "intellectual"ism with a giant of an intellectual like you.

Well, there you go... Now we have told all that is there to Bulls#$@% ,  From hereon sky is the limit my friend.. The only thing that you have to remember is people who have truly excelled in this art and made a living out of it are the ones who have never been caught while doing it... So do what ever you have to but never get caught... 

May the Bulls#$@% be with you...

Questions of my Child

Often time I wondered have I met the child who confronts me with her endless list of questions…

Questions about the mundane happenings around or the unexpected dog who turns up outside or of the play of light and shadow…

As she runs around talking to herself carrying about her busy schedule, I am transported back in to the time where each day was a day of constant amazement at the world around and where innocence lived…

She tugs at my arm and suddenly I am shaken out of the slumber of my daydream

With a smile on her face she is again ready with her list of questions on things that she wants an answer to…

And answer she will have coz I see the confidence in which she carries out the myriad small activities of everyday…

I am sure she will have all that she has aspired for as she has been raised to face squarely the things she fears, fight her inner demon and learn to be her person in this world…

As I tell her to face her fear with a straight face till such time where her fear no longer continues to frighten her, it is kind of an inner purging for myself too as I cleanse my inner self too

As I reaffirm my faith in the fact that nurture is what should make a man and that nature should not be constraining factor in holding you back from making you what you truly want, 

The small child again stands before me with her endless list of questions…

What type of Captain are you?

Often in the course of life it all boils downs to what kind of leader you are. Well, some of you will ask why does one need to be a leader to be able to handle life’s vagaries. True enough… but is n’t that the practical fact... That when it all boils down to taking control of your life and making the best of it, you are your own leader…

My lessons in leadership actually began way back when I was a kid playing gully cricket... to the uninitiated, it means the cricket for the urbanites where high rises ensues that no credible patch of green is left for anyone to play…

We would play on the road of the gully which used to be a narrow lane with a dead end which ensured that we did not have much of a thoroughfare traffic and play continued mostly uninterrupted..

Though it was a beautiful setting for a typical gully cricket, what made it sometimes frustrating was a swamp which was on one side and a building on the other side whose owner proved to be more challenging than the swamp itself in retrieving the ball…

To ensure that the wannabe cricketers of morrow do not get adventurous and make the ball disappear (which by the way came from collective funding from all players), hitting on that side of the “ground” was taboo…

Now coming back to the game (and also where the ball went missing), it threw up quite interesting leadership types which was amazing and eye opening. Here goes the list: 

1.       “No-pain No – Gain” Captain:

If you happen to have a captain belonging to this criteria, then forget about corporate managers who are famous for screwing your happiness. This guy alone could make you regret the hit to the “forbidden land” for the rest of your life. Not only he will ensure that you go out and search for the ball but in the case of non – retrieval would ensure that you cough up the money or else given a life ban of the game (and believe me “life ban” used to be serious business in our kind of game from which it was quite difficult to “absolve” yourself)

I have seen this type of captain go on to become, and you have guessed it correctly, corporate managers screwing the happiness of all and sundry. 

2.       Risk diversification captain:

This type of captain had a sense of equanimity and equality which could parallel non others. They believed in the game being a team event for which each and every member of the team was equally responsible. Hence they also implemented the philosophy by asking each one to pay up equal amount to purchase a new ball.

I have found such player go on to achieve the highest of professional laurels and goals in life. 

3.       Blame shifting captain:

This category of captain would wait for the slightest hint of things (and in this case the ball) going amiss and then pounce upon the next unsuspecting victim in shifting the blame entirely. They were career cribbers who would go in to extensive length of how one’s action could have led to thing being in the mess that it is right now. If their view were not taken then they surely were to leave the game in a huff.

These people have gone on to achieve not a great deal in life while also putting their family life in a mess. 

4.       The “Deserter” Captain:

While the above category metamorphoses to this category quite late in the turn of events, this category of captains, it seemed, were made to justify the proverb that “when the ship sinks the rats are the first to evacuate” or one of its colloquial equivalent… the perpetual expression on their face would be you-mess-with-me-and-I- am- gonna-go-home…

These type of people have gotten in and out of low paid jobs while at the same time not admitting that the fault if any could be at their end not anyone else’s. 

5.       The “emotional” captain:

This type of captain would agree to keep the cricketing kit at his home, carry them to and fro the playground and also keep the wicket ready for the game to begin. For him it always seem as if he is organising his own domestic function… running around and doing things which was beyond the call of duty… such captains have typically large heart but get hurt at the smallest of things… in case if a ball goes missing, and he is pressurised by the blame shifting and/or the deserter captain, he not only agrees to pay for the full amount but also throws in some homemade sweet at the end of the game just to keep everybody in good humour…

Such type of people have gone on to be achievers in their realm... because of their passion and commitment they have achieved greatness in life but however are unable to retain it as they get miffed and offended at the slightest of provocation/offence

  

6.       “On the sly” captain/player:

This type of people would never Donne the mantle of captainship but would wait for the right opportunity to make gains. So when a ball would go missing, they would notice where it went but would make it appear as if they are clueless and mislead others who may be looking for it. Once the game is over and everybody goes home, such creatures return with a torchlight and retrieve the ball to be used for in house play. The next day they will be the one who will be seen missing from the cricketing scene.

Such people have not done a whole good to their life - always on the lookout and waiting for the jackpot moment when they can make a fast buck which never comes about.