To put down the idiosyncrasies and thought process of today’s youth (again purely my perception) was a thought which had been going on in my mind for quite sometime... so now that I have few hours on a train (on my journey from B’lore back to Coimbatore), I thought to put it down altogether. This is an analysis of the mindset of the youth of India Today (I hope its not a violation of copyright with Arun Shourie) especially the male... the reader may ask why this discrimination with the fairer sex who constitute an equal portion of the pie... if I may sheepishly admit, I am scared of the feminist brigade and the spoilsport they may prove without seeing the funny angle to it... so without much ado here we go...
Lets imagine a scenario... let the location be at any place where modern Indian youth ‘hangs out’ (be it a mall, multiplex, restaurant etc) in any of the modern cities of India... in walks a well endowed and physically attractive girl (the reader may feel free to add on terms like ‘ hot babe’, ‘sizzling chick’, ‘piece of art’ etc while I will refrain from making such sexist comments ;)... while she definitely is a head turner, we really do not know what is going on inside the head of those (especially male youth) who have definitely made a note of her... So here goes the analysis without discrimination to any region (after reading it the reader may draw their own conclusion about my ‘regional’ biases/prejudices and call me names... but again its your biases/ prejudices which you have as much right to fall back on as I do...) The thought is presented here exactly as it goes inside the head of the youth (again my ‘biases/prejudices ;)
So here goes starting from the heart land of India...
The Jatt Munda:
“Oh my God... F!@#$& Jesus son of Mary! What a hot Pu#$% she is and man look.. What piece of a@#... Man I bet she is looking for a real man who can show her what a real man is capable of... poor baby.. from the desolate look on her face it seems she is still looking for her macho man... but hey babe... do n’t u worry... dats what mundas like me are for.. I will show you what a real man is like till you beg for more... But hey... U know these chicks... initially they don’t know what real services we are doing for them... always fighting, crying and opposing... But wait a minute, I have solution for that problem too... but what shud I do... see the problem is not in how can I get her (of course forcibly.. what do u think,) Should I adopt Bunty Bhaiya’s formula 444 (offer her a drink laced with sedatives and then take her to MP sahib’s farm house... By the way MP Sahib is very cooperative in these matters...) or should I adopt Rockey’s formula 356 (get a van with tinted glass and then wait for her to come out and literally ‘sweep her off her feet’) Well I am really confused... Hey wait... I’ll have to act really fast... see those pathetic Oriya / Bengali kids ogling at her... it will be such a waste.. no no... She deserves a real man like me... Hey gotta go... what? U said which formula... well there is a new one in circulation now... will not divulge it... sorry my friend... but anyways... u will come to know about it from tomorrow’s newspaper and then u know its who... What did u say? Am I not afraid that I will get caught? U must be joking... tell me how many brave man like me have got caught... see even the capital police understands the senti “mate” of mundas like me who are real man... not like lil sissys... crying, empa... whatever (what he means to say is actually ‘empathising’) and trying to understand the fairer sex... see there is no need to be like that.. The fairer sex does not want anything except the second one attached in their name (u must have got it... if not see the beginning of this sentence... Gawd.. Why can’t everybody be smart like us)...see u shud be smart enuf to interpret their reaction... if they are vehemently opposing and saying no then it means its a yes and that they really want ‘it’... See this world is so full of such hot babes and very few real men like me... So bro... lotta work and very less time...So gotta keep going now....
The Rajni fan:
“Oh man what a sizzling piece of art... Man I must go down and talk to her... this is my best chance... sees I am closer to her than anybody else... by theory of physics (each body attracts the other and the power of attraction is inversely proportional to the distance between them) oh... what I am thinking.... I must set aside IIT, Brilliant Tutorial and mock test for a while... Man this is the chance of a life time for me... I can, I shall and I will do it... Kandipaa...But what is this... so many suitors approaching her... she is in danger of being ‘devoured’ by these cannibals.. Stupid, ignorant people... do not know how to treat a woman properly... so ungentle manly... no... Always thinking of how to ensnare her and get down (u got what I mean... If u don’t I can’t explain further... see I am a boy from a good family... want to become an IIT engineer like all my cousins and brother and then do a MBA from IIM and settle in the U.S and bring name to my family and country... I do n’t usually come to the malls... see mall are so cheap and so low class... only people with no taste (see I am not saying uncivilised... U r putting words in my mouth) visit such place... we rather prefer doing something useful during that time... U ask what useful activities... Well like reading The Hindu... trying to solve IIT entrance problem in double the speed of what I achieved during last practice...surfing the net for best place to settle in U.S... The real-estate price in the U.S... (See I want to have a house right by the beach in Miami or Florida...)
Hey man... what nonsense I am saying... See now you have wasted my time and in the mean time so many vandals are approaching her... I must do something... But what can I do... I did not learn any Karate, Kungfu and can’t tackle these ruffians... But hey wait... remember what Rajni sir said (yes I only watch Rajni Sir’s Movies) ... That jackals roam about in packs... but its the lion who walks alone... Be brave and be courageous... such girl may be modern by her looks but she really needs an understanding man who cans understand her feelings and treat her as an equal and not as an object... Yes... I am the man... I am the lion... I am Going... Going... gone...
But hold on smarty... what about the dream of your parents who have such high hopes on u... have u seen Appa... how he struggles to save money by travelling in local city bus though he has a 2 wheeler... how he slogs and does overtime in office to earn that extra buck...only to ensure that there is enough money so that you can have coaching at Brilliant Tutorial and take mock test at Aggrwala’s ... remember mom.. How she will wake up in night and prepare filter coffee for you so that you can continue with your night studies... how can you let them down... u moron... do n’t u have any shame.. ur way thinking is enough for you to drown urself in the gutters of Nungambakkam and Kodambakkam...
Oh dear lord... forgive me... I was about to commit a grave mistake of my life... its only u who have saved me... After I get my IIT, I will definitely come to Ur temple and get my head tonsured... May be the hormones are playing their tricks on me... I will have to do more Pranayam and yoga and extend it in the evening also... May be it will do me good to read the holy man whose column regularly appears in The Hindu... hey... What did u say...? He was caught in some sex scandal himself... U know what... U people are always the cynic... talking negative of everything in the world... I have had enough of u... Just go... Podaa...
The Telugu bidda:
Oh man.. What hot piece of work... u see we Telugus like everything hot... do an all India survey... the amount of chilly we consume (in all forms: whole, powdered. Chutney, semi-liquid, liquid et al), in large quantities and that too dedicatedly, surpasses all states and people... nay, dare I say all races too... So we also like our women hot (I hope u got what I wanted to convey)... see our movies... see Mumaith Khan... some say that she has enough sand (read silicone) to bury the central mall in Punjagutta.. But hey... what do u know... we r still not satisfied... hope she can better it... what is the use of all sands in all our beaches in the country if it cannot help Mumaith Khan (and the likes of her ) to keep us happy...
So you see... the babe that I am seeing here comes close... and God... I really want to talk with this babe and show her some of my native moves... which definitely will soar the temperature... Man... See this crowd converging on her... But not to worry... I am from the city of Nizams and nobody knows better than us on how to barge in and make our way (the traffic police in my city will vouch for it)...
What did u say... am I not worried about my career like the Rajni fan...? No sir... we have evolved better and beyond career... Only the insecure and the timid in my place go for stupid things like IIT... we believe in the power of business (real estate, FMCG, electronics, software et al et al)....
Hey bugger... stop bugging me... now is the time for me to make a move... what do u say... I am not handsome and good looking... so who cares... see our film industry... some of the heroes (if u did not know) would not even qualify for a housekeeping job if given the opportunity... but see they are famous and super hit and get to romance the cool, smooth north beauty as their heroine.. U ask how... man... they got the moves... and the moves are what makes them what they are...
So here I go and u better watch me and my moves...
The Bhdralok dude:
Oodi baba... dada ekahne dekhun (bro see here)... what a girl... not that there is dearth of such items back in the sonar bangla... But man look at her... none of the babe will match up with her in grace, poise and elegance... u know how the babes from my place are... always trying to dominate us... enter in to a relationship with them and they become the boss by default... the same story is carried forth after marriage too... Only for worse... with a relationship u can always opt out... but a marriage is a different ball game all together... It makes bachelor like me weep seeing the plight of the married men... the common scene would be the wife would be well dressed, bejewelled and with her makeup full (see our women believe in the liberal use of cosmetics) striding ahead like Indira Gandhi while the poor husband with a kid on his hip and the other clinging like a chimpanzee from his back.. (like the one u see in Raymond circus) while he huffs and puffs keeping his balance and trying to keep pace with his wife (while crying out to her ‘aago, sunoon’ – meaning oh dear plz listen to me), he has to also take care of the traffic and onlookers who may be ogling at her (though he may not be able to do much in such a case )... looking at such a specimen of humanity one would genuinely feel teary eyed seeing his poor state (universally the wives at my place are well endowed bordering on the obese while the husbands look famished, unkempt and shabby. This leads many jealous experts to conclude that in the household the lion share of the nutrition is captured by the wife while the husband has to do with what is left out suffering silently)... such poor creatures derive the only pleasure of their lives by having adda (an informal chit chat session) with their friends and peer where mostly politics is discussed and there is fiery debate on the merits of communism and almost always the demerits of capitalism (see we pride ourselves as the last bastion of the red flag... alas now it also has gone.. but not to worry.. didi is more of a communist than the communist thmesleves... she is a practicing communist while the erstwhile regime were armchair communist)
Hey man... see u bugger have kept my attention here and see how all vultures are descending on her... I must go now and serenade her with some Ravindra Sangeet and give her a large dose of our philosophy, culture and rich heritage (never mind the filth that u see in our cities, see thats what we r proud of ... preserving everything that is old which has keep us original so far)....
The Uddu Man:
Hello Sir, excuse me Sir... see sir... forgive my accent...see I studied in local medium school back in my native place in Orissa and the F!@#$% teachers insisted that we pronounce word in English like this only... It was only very late that we came to know that all the while we have been racing on the wrong track...but by then it was too late.. See sir... this girl that u see here...no... see she is like a dream girl for people like me... see what we usually do is cut photos of such hotties from magazines and keep it for seeking self pleasure (what, u do n’t know self pleasure... forget it man.. u will never get it...) see Sir... from childhood we have been taught to be sincere, dedicated and hardworking... give us any work without explaining any thing (not that we will ever dare to ask) and we will keep on doing it even though in our hearts of heart we know that it is not correct ! See all my fellow brothers... doing engineering and then getting a job in a software firm in Hyd/Bangalore and continue to work for the same company for donkey years (no sir.. they are not donkey.. just using a metaphor...) even when the founder members have left it for greener pasture... see sir.. Dedication comes to us like second nature....
So Sir... see this type of girl, if people see back in my place then god forbid there will be accidents, a crowd gathering etc but without any harm to the girl (see sir, we are too afraid to even approach her and talk to her)... the courageous among us will just inch closer and in typical Romeo style extend his hand and say hello and introduce himself while in the same breath asking her for friendship.. But see sir... that girl will also be from my place... no... she will give back in such expletives that this boy will never dare raise his eyes in future to any girl... added to that suddenly from the crowd of lechers will arise ‘sympathisers. ‘Brothers’ of the girl who in their frustration will give 2-4 slaps to the boy for spoiling their sister who is such a good girl (but in their hearts of hearts it will be for spoiling their chances)...
What sir... what did u ask... u ask how I see my chances... see sir... I do n’t know... may be my chances are very less with so much competition... but see sir I will give it my 100%...no no 200-300% and show her that among all I am the most dedicated, sincere, hardworking and trustworthy... I hope she will notice me and then get in to friendship with me... wow... what an exciting thought... Sir excuse me... I must go to the bathroom now...
While so much commotion in the minds of our youth was going on, it would appear that the girl would definitely be married (a girl crying out ‘mummy mummy’ will come rushing to her – a la Santoor soap advt.) or it will finally be revealed that she already has a boyfriend much to the disappointment of the youth brigade...
In a scenario where such thing does not happen, then (god forbid) it’s mostly the Jat Munda who gets the girl...
I was planning to put in more analysis of other regions also but will however stop here. Depending on the response will put together the part 2 of this analysis...
Comments plz...
