How to Bullshit and sound intellectual

Was reading a funny blog on how to sound intellectual even if you don't know S#%!... The piece was impeccable in every sense except somehow it failed to capture some of the other tips from the School of BullS#%!ing...

So here goes my list of tips as an addendum to the earlier list...

1. The "As in" Syndrome:

When you know that you don't know (which is mostly the case), start sentences with "As in"... By doing so, you are pre - empting any attempt of the audience to scuttle your attempt to "sound intellectual"...  If really trapped conclude by saying that you were giving an example...

2. Jargonise your talk:

 

Use copious amount of terminologies like "last mile challenge/connectivity" , "syenrgise", "critical mass", "amortize", "collateral", "safety net approach"   etc. For any doubting Thomas, this would put to rest any doubts about your intellectual capabilities.

3. Give practical example:

Give out generous amount of practical examples making the best use of the jargon that you have used above. For example:

"In ensuring credit reaches the poor, I had to deal with the last mile challenge which I solved by synergising my effort with local women's group to gain that critical mass which was necessary to amortize the loans of the poor against a collateral which proved to be the best safety net approach for the end client"...

This is bound to convert the doubting Thomases to believers and then on to your followers who will follow you like the tribe of Noah

4. Show your Gentleman"ners:

For "crude" and "brash" brats just out of B - School there is no perfect gentlemen to show the finesse and grace of the perfect gentleman than you. Show them how to talk and sound amused during a meeting/telecon/eating/S@#&ing, how to "strike up a rapport" and how you are that friend which everyman always dreams of but never could have. Show them how to present a presentation, how many slides, how many lines in a slide, font colour, font type, spacing and the list goes on and on and on... Finally show those brute what constitutes table manners... How to hold the fork, fold the napkin and how to gently "de-seed" watermelon or any other such fruits without looking like a jackass...

5. Be constantly on the BBM or office Chat:

During meetings and presentation, pretend to be busy by being constantly on the BBM and / or office chat and smile occasionally which is surely going to throw off - balance the poor guy who is presenting while all the time making him dread what would be the bouncers that you would be throwing at him at the end of the presentation. Look totally distracted and give him a sense of false security and just when he is slowly getting in to his lullaby mode throw him the ultimate bouncer by converting statement under point 3 in to a question... While the guy twists and turns for an answer (remember it is un - winnable like the Kobayashi Maru Test in Star Trek which was developed by Spock designed to accept defeat and experience fear) , you just relax back and enjoy the attention the audience is giving you on what a hot shot you really are. 

5.The Ultimate Weapon:

If nothing else works, get the poor sucker to throw in a brave question questioning your credibility and in other words your "God"liness... Look at him with a "half - pathetic - half - amused" look and slowly ask the following:

 " Was that meant to be a rhetorical question?"

Believe me it is better than the Brahmastra  used by the gods in Ramayana and Mahabharata... This is the ultimate rejoinder as the response is going to be a long lull of silence - either the poor chap did not have a clue in the world on what it means and even if he has he does not have the courage to get in to the deep ocean of "intellectual"ism with a giant of an intellectual like you.

Well, there you go... Now we have told all that is there to Bulls#$@% ,  From hereon sky is the limit my friend.. The only thing that you have to remember is people who have truly excelled in this art and made a living out of it are the ones who have never been caught while doing it... So do what ever you have to but never get caught... 

May the Bulls#$@% be with you...